It Wasn't Suicide
by Shmarah
Summary: "It's not like I didn't know it was going to happen, but what will forever bother me is the heart-stabbing words I said to her before she faded into midnight and out of my life forever. She's gone, and it was my fault. But I'll fix that." MariAri Oneshot


Snow days are always productive. Watched Alice-Dere [beautiful video] and read the invigorated Youtube [or, as Suika says, Yuyutube] comments and was so overwhelmed with MariAri love [Malice] that I went and wrote this one-shot. -_-"

Sorry, indeed this is a one-shot, after all, so don't ask for more chapters... Unless you really waaant summm. |||" I was thinking of a sequel... I did this all in one sitting and I was exhausted, so tell me if I spelled something wrong or omitted a sentence somewhere. =A=

By the way, Reimu refers to Scarlet Weather Rhapsody when she quotes Komachi [as shown when she said, "back during those times when Tenshi was being a meaniebutt blablabla..."] If you haven't played it, it's TH10.5 I think and it's just wonderful. =]

By the way by the way, in this FF I refer to Shanghai and Hourai as individual dolls because it makes me happier that way. ^^

I had fun writing this, so enjoy!

* * *

_"I Pity the Fool. _  
_For She Fell in Love."_

It was hard making a black bow for both Shanghai and Hourai with tears blurring my vision the whole time, but looking back at it, I thought I had done a competent job. It was stupid of me to have gone on crying even a day or so after the incident; or, rather, it was stupid of me to cry at all. Tears are a sure sign of weakness.

It wasn't like I didn't know it was going to happen eventually. She wasn't like those lunatics in the bamboo forest with their drugs and elixirs that could live forever. She was...

_~She and I are a different kind... and the one who cries last will be me...~_

Just...ordinary.

Stroking my beloved dolls' hair, I saw that, indeed, Shanghai and Hourai looked quite fitting in mourner clothing. Somehow more serious, and definitely more solemn. Maybe even...

"Scary. They look rather scary."

I turned to see none other than the sunny sunny shrine maiden of paradise herself standing behind me. "The both of you in all black? I never understood why none of your dolls are cute. Why don't you make something like Pokemon plushies instead? " She was smiling. Reimu attempting humor for my sake? I supposed I ought to feel _ever _so grateful.

"Why don't you just go waste your time begging people for donations? I don't need your pity." I willed myself to keep my voice from quavering.

Her smile dropped and, sighing, she knelt down, not caring that the freshly turned soil was going to dirty her knees. Running her fingers over the stone, feeling the words with an expression on her face that didn't seem to understand them-or didn't want to understand them. She covered her mouth and clutched her chest.

What do you know? There were tears in her eyes as well. Tears. She was a weakling, a pitiful human, a wimp, I repeated to myself... And yet...

"She didn't have to... I mean, why didn't I just...Oh, Reimu...I still can't believe I didn't..." my voice drifted off.

Oh, dear, dear goddess help me. If I were to cry in front of the world-saving-all-powerful-catastrophe-stopping-miko, I would just go and _kill _myself. In fact...such a thing didn't sound like too shabby an idea, I thought, as swiped away a tear that had somehow escaped my eyes. Goodness, now she'd pity me. And I hated pity with a passion.

"Shhh..." Much to my surprise, Reimu dropped her staff and pulled me into a hug. "...She was my friend too, you know."

I did know. And I longed to pull away from her embrace, her embrace that reminded me all too much of another's. An embrace that reminded me of sneaking into Patchy's library at night to help her steal hentai and photo albums of Sakuya, of teaching her (with her clumsy, awkward fingers all covered in band-aids) how to sew doll clothes, of making up reasons to fight just to be able to be close to her without feeling awkward, of her flying straight into a tree with me on the back of her broomstick, my arms wrapped tightly around her waist, of laughing over Reimu's armpits and how flat Suika was, of a summer stroll through the forest just as the sun was going down, and the three word phrase that constantly beat inside my chest, ready to make my heart just burst with the urgent need to say them to her clear, golden-yellow eyes...

"I never told her I loved her..." I dropped to my own knees, thouroughly ashamed that anyone should hear me say such a thing, and Reimu put a comforting hand on my back.

"Hm... It would be a shame if I died as well without saying such a thing..." she smiled. "But I'm afraid Yukari might just go and end my life right there on the spot."

Oh, so it was Yukari that Reimu held dear? Hah, I'd thought so. I just never believed the tsurupettan would have a chance with that busty youkai. Then again, I never believed I had a chance with that beautiful, precious girl... And I prayed the price.

The day of the incident, we'd fought. I forgot what it was about.

I 'd won.

_"That's no faiiiir! You're cheating or something." _she had whined, holding her hat in her hands.

_"You wish. You should fight more strategically rather than wasting all your energy so you can Master Spark me and then __missing__." _I had laughed.

_"Aww, I was just going easy on you so you could be happy about winning." _she'd smiled.

_"Yeah, ohhkay then."_

She'd come over and wrapped her arms around my neck then from, and I'd felt the blood rush to my hot face. _"Get off of me!"_

_"Whyyyy? Don't you liiiiike me Aliiice?" _she'd teased. That girl... Same as always.

_"Oi, oi, oi... Don't you have some books to steal from Patchouli or something?"_

I put all too much emphasis in my voice on _"Patchouli." _She looked me in the eye.

_"That again?" _She sighed and her face turned solemn. "_I'm tired of this, Alice. Why are you so stupid?" _She grinned a mischievous grin.

The space between her mouth and mine suddenly disappeared. For a second, the last wonderful moment in my whole life before it all started going horribly, tragically wrong, I was in a sweet place where there was nothing but her soft, warm, pillowy lips and her slender arms around my neck. Nothing but her golden hair and her dark, crinoline skirt on my knees.

She broke away and said,_ "Stupid. I love __**you**__." _She smiled her toothy grin, just as beautiful as I'd always known.

I'd slapped her across the face.

Hard.

_"I...I-I hate you! ...Go away!"_

_"Alice, I...!"_

_"I said, __**go away**__! I hate you! I hate you, so just leave me alone, you dirty rotten** liar**!"_

_How dare she pretend. How dare she even think of uttering such a lie! _

_She'd seen me watch her with Patchouli, watch her sneak into the mansion, watch her read stolen books._

_That girl, my precious, precious girl, she only pitied me with my evident jealousy of them two. She pitied me, and that's why she'd say such a false thing to me, unlovable little witch me, whose only friends are dolls and who burns away all her time in her house all day, who hates the rest of the world. The witchcrafting little puppeteer who was creepy and fights too often, who had a bad temper and horrible self esteem, who __**nobody**__ could __**ever**__ love. _

_Especially the strong, tough, powerful, feared, and yet actually honest, compassionate, caring, and positively beautiful __Marisa Kirisame._

_She couldn't have meant it. She only pitied me... Only pitied me!_

_And __**I hated**__ pity with a passion._

Her last words to me scarred me forever. I forced myself to believe they were untrue; If I didn't, I felt as though I my heart might just break into pieces smaller than I already was.  
_"But it... wasn't a lie.."_

Scattered thoughts and nonsensical ramblings shot through my aching head at the speed of light, but it was my heart that hurt as I watched her turn away and silently kneel down, grip her broom, and take to the sky, sailing through the endless sea of midnight stars...

I hoped Patchouli and her would be happy. If I wasn't before, I was definitely out of the way now.  
I slammed the door to my house shut.  
My body wracked endlessly with sobs. I locked myself in my closet and weeped until daybreak.  
Since I didn't sleep that night, I was there when Aya hand-delivered me the newspaper, eyes red.

She'd gone missing.

Four days later, her body turned up.

I told them the story.  
They think it was suicide.  
I know it was murder.

I said nothing.

Don't ask how. One moment I knew nothing and the next I knew, positively knew for absolute sure that someone had killed Marisa Kirisame. Like the way I knew the sky was blue, that my hair was blond, that Cirno was stupid, that it had been a surprise attack and that she didn't know what had hit her...

Wait, what?

It happened yet again.

If only the _person_ who'd done it would just pop into my brain. That would solve everything. Of course, being that she was already a ghost it didn't really...

Marisa... was a ghost?

I really hated this.

"Yoo! Reimu! I heard what happened and was wondering if you got some candles I can- O-oohhh..." The tsurupettan oni came up the hill where Reimu and I knelt by Marisa's grave. Great, another person to pity me, shaking with pathetic, weak sobs. I hugged my knees, read, and reread the words on her stone while the little drunk came tottering up the hill. Maybe if I looked at it long enough, I'd find that it'd cease to exist.

I didn't understand why I bothered caring anymore. My best friend and true love went and died and my last words to her were that I hated her and for her to go away. How was I even living with that? I had practically killed the one I love! How was I allowing that to take power of me like this, allowing me to look like a poor, pitiful little dollmaker to all of Gensokyo? How did I even let this happen? These thoughts boiled away in my heart as Reimu and Suika droned on. How was I going to make this right?

"Ah! Er, Alice..." started Suika, seeing me kneeled where I was and the tears that were a rare sight on my face. "I...um... offer my condole-condor-c-con... C-condoms?"

"It's condolences, Suika." Reimu corrected her, standing up.

"Oh I see. What are they again?"

"When someone dies, it's like... um...

"What?"

"I guess...sympathy."

"And sympathy is..."

"Like, when you feel sorry for someone."

"Isn't that just pity?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say it's pit-"

"Shut up!" I got up swiftly and both Shanghai and I had our hands on our hips. "Go get drunk and see if a banana will float up like a jellyfish! You're both wasting my time!" I scolded, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "I don't need your stupid pity or sympathy or condoms or _whatever! _I'm going to be productive and go find someone who'll bring Marisa back!"

Suika and Reimu turned to each other, flustered.

"Bring her back?" Suika questioned. "It was suicide, right? She's probably in hell. No offense, of course."

I crossed my arms. "First of all, she was murdered. Second of all, she's currently a ghost." I bit my cheek.

Reimu put a hand on my shoulder. "Look, I know this has been really hard for you to take, but, Alice, you have to accept the fact that Marisa took her own li-"

"She was killed. At exactly 2:43 AM a full week ago during a full moon, 9.72 yards away from the spot where she was found. Her death was quick; a immensely powerful spirit attack that engulfed her heart and took her by surprise from someone of great strength. She was killed, Reimu, she was killed! So she's got to be in hell or heaven or Higan, or the Netherworld or the Sanzu River or _something_, right? She's got to! And even if she is in hell, I will find Mima and get her to _drag her out_!"

I didn't realize I'd gotten so close to her. Our noses were almost touching and I was filled with passionate rage. Yet again information had rushed into my brain, the facts I'd just stated as obvious as day to me now, and yet completely unknown a few minutes ago. I swerved and refocused myself on her tombstone.

Suika laughed. "Have you been watching Hatate's Bakkoi Murder Case on Yuyutube too many times? You're craazy."

Reimu, however, wasn't taking it as a joke. Her face took on a pondering expression.

"Even so, Alice... Remember when she told us what Komachi once said to her?"

Suika spoke up. "Komachi? The slackmeister ferryman shinigami who spams me with her coins?"

"Yeah, her. This was back when the weather was acting up and the clouds were scarlet all the time because of... whatshername, Hinanawi..."

"Ah, the celestial!" I said. Hourai rested on my left shoulder.

"Oh, Tenshi? That girl sure likes my sake." Suika grinned.

"Yeah, Tenshi, the one who broke my shrine. Back then, during those times, Marisa mentioned that Komachi once said to her,

_'...I see you hold the spirit of drizzling rain._

_Drizzling rain is thin, gloomy, and unremarkable, but it has a gentle quality about it._

_I bet you'll become a ghost that's always in the background. neither ascending to heaven nor reincarnating_

_just a spirit eternally waiting for judgement in Higan.'"_

I thought about this. "Huh. Then she might be right here, right now."

Suika found that exciting. "Hiiiiii Marisaaa!" The impish oni waved energetically at the thin air, her chains rattling.

Reimu ignored her. "Or she could be up in her house, or at my shrine, or at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, or in the bamboo forest. Or Komachi could have been wrong, which wouldn't surprise me, and she could be burning up in hell, and who knows if Mima can drag her out. She could be in heaven by now, not that she'd ever get there considering all those things that burglar's '"borrowed.'"

She chuckled for comic relief. I didn't look her in the eye. Her expression hardened.  
"Maybe she's in the Netherworld. Maybe she's being ferried across the Sanzu River. Maybe she's haunting Flandre. Maybe she's in Hakugyukurou and Yuyuko is trying to eat her. We don't know where she is. She could be anywhere right now, Alice, anywhere in this entire world. She might not even be in Gensokyo. Perhaps she's been reincarnated as a cat. She could be in the human world. If you want someone to find her, they'd have to have some sort of specialized power for finding people! Maybe those seeker dolls of yours, but even you don't have the sort of power... She could be just anywhere... A-Alice!"

She paused, unsure if I were listening. I guess I looked like I was trying to stare a hole through Marisa's grave. She raised her voice.

"She could have simply ceased to exist altogether, Alice, and there's nothing we could do to help it! All the dimensional rifts, seekers, ghosts, celestials, and youkai in the world could try and fail at finding her, and where would they get the motivation or concern to even try? Why would they _want_ to try? Who would go to so much trouble just to bring Marisa Kirisame back from the dead? She was going to die anyway. Wouldn't it be better just to accept the facts as facts, Alice? Look, she was just... a human magician. She was just an ordinary magician!"

Just... ordinary?

I chuckled and wiped my eyes, my dirty hands smearing on my face. Marisa was dead, but I wouldn't cry anymore. No, no more tears.

I patted down my skirt, and the miko and oni watched worriedly as I walked off, a determination in my head and a song in my heart.

"Alice, wait! Who could you _possibly__ find _with the power or the drive to go through such trial, such adversity just for Marisa, Marisa of all people? Oh, good dangit, Alice, listen to me! You're making a mistake! Are you a fool?"

Why, of course I was, taking into account what I was seriously considering.

I, Alice Margatroid, seven-colored puppeteer and dollmaker from the Forest of Magic, with my magical dolls Shanghai and Hourai hovering beside me, my grimoire tucked snugly under my arm, and my beloved best friend's spirit somewhere out there, stopped and turned on my heel to face the Hakurei shrine maiden, a Marisa-like grin on my face.

"I'll do it."

* * *

Thank you for playing.

by Alice Margatroid

Special Thanks to:  
Shanghai and Hourai  
Marisa, Reimu, Suika, Sakuya, Remi, Patchy, Flan...  
Pika and Pico  
Sprig and her best friend  
Koizumi and rival  
Konata and Haruhi  
ZUN  
Nintendo  
Mitsuki and Takuto  
and Lan  
Gardevoir and Gallade  
Sarah, Celeste, and Brewster  
Dust, Rogue, and Moira  
Minoru and Akira  
Nightcrawler, Rogue, and Kitty Pryde  
The wonderful people at [Because".com" is for fruits!]  
Galasso  
And finally,  
**Shmarah and friends [Of the past, present, and future.]**

**Love you!**


End file.
